Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

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Whenever you identify a boundary you'd like to set, remember that there are two steps to the process: communication and action.

Unspoken boundaries are invisible, and they often sound like “They should’ve known better” or “Common sense would say . . .” Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isn’t the same for everyone. That’s why it’s essential to communicate and not assume that people are aware of our expectations in relationships. We must inform others of our limits and take responsibility for upholding them.” Boundaries to Consider I say no to things I don’t like. I say no to things that don’t contribute to my growth. I say no to things that rob me of valuable time. I spend time around healthy people. I reduce my interactions with people who drain my energy. I protect my energy against people who threaten my sanity. I practice positive self-talk. I allow myself to feel and not judge my feelings. I forgive myself when I make a mistake. I actively cultivate the best version of myself. I turn off my phone when appropriate. I sleep when I’m tired. I mind my business. I make tough decisions because they’re healthy for me. I create space for activities that bring me joy. I say yes to activities that interest me despite my anxiety about trying them. I experience things alone instead of waiting for the “right” people to join me.”

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One of the things that I, I've thought about a lot as I think about this idea of boundaries is how, when I was working in an elementary school, you see so clearly how if you set a line, for some kids, that's totally enough just to hear it from you. Great. They understand the line, but then there is always a subset of the, the class who, they're gonna test that boundary. You can't just say it. You have to enforce it. They want to see, like, what does that line look like in practice? Shortform note: Because manipulators try to control situations subtly and indirectly, it can be difficult to recognize manipulation in your relationships. For instance, in addition to overt behaviors such as bullying and insults, manipulation can include subtle methods, such as a refusal to engage in conflict, as well as “love bombing.” In Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft explains that “love bombing” is a pattern of behavior in which a manipulative person offers excessive affection at the beginning of a relationship to win you over. Then, they withhold their affection in an attempt to gain leverage over you. If one of your relationships falls into this pattern, it may be a sign that you’re being manipulated.) From Drama Free, I would love for people to have the takeaway of you are the person who can change your relationships. So often we think, “Oh, if this other person does this thing, then my life will be better.” When in actuality, if I do this thing with this other person, my life can be better. So I want people to feel empowered reading the book and to know that they have options. And with Set Boundaries, Find Peace, you know, I, I think the title is the intention, right? Like, it's like, set boundaries and guess what you’ll get? Peace. Because of this, Tawwab argues that you should always speak up when your needs aren’t being met in your close relationships. Speaking up immediately when your loved ones make you uncomfortable allows them to learn from the mistake and prevents resentment from forming.

And she's like, “No, I want to do this other thing.” And you know, ultimately it worked out for her. She's a successful actress, but I think she is saying, like, “This is a thing I want to do.” And you know, I, I think sometimes there is this idea like, “Oh my gosh, like you don't wanna disappoint your family, but you also want to live your life.” What are some of the practical things that you think people should just like right away, start with when they're trying to draw boundaries with people in their lives or situations that are kind of difficult? It, it actually goes to a really big thing that I wanted to ask you about and talk to you about, which is you give this piece of advice that you cannot change people. However, you can ask that they honor your requests, and if they do not, then you have choices. So, when we sometimes can see the problems, and we want to be able to change the person, how? How do we do that? How do we actually put those into place? Shortform note: Sometimes, people who repeatedly violate your boundaries do so in an attempt to get a response from you, much like a playground bully. If you’re dealing with a bully, it can be helpful to ignore that person entirely. By refusing to argue or engage, you deny them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve made you upset, which will make them less likely to try the same tactic in the future.)Other summaries give you just a highlight of some of the ideas in a book. We find these too vague to be satisfying. Mother-in-law relationships. And the challenge with mother-in-laws is we have this expectation that we have to like them. You don't. You don't have to like your mother-in-law. You know, if you have children, this is your child's grandparent; this is your partner's mother. But it doesn't have to be this close relationship.

Well, Nedra, speaking exactly to that, I, I feel like you really have added to the culture with your writing. You're changing the culture with the way that you reframe the way we think about these things. One of the, the big things that you've reframed for me recently is, is in your new book, which is called Drama Free. Obviously, being human means that we're gonna have conflict across our relationships, but I'm curious what it is that you mean by drama free and how you envision a life that can be drama free, even if it's not conflict free, because those are different things in your mind. AN ACCESSIBLE, STEP-BY-STEP RESOURCE FOR SETTING, COMMUNICATING, AND ENFORCING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AT HOME, AT WORK, AND IN LIFE Shortform note: It’s important to recognize the distinction between boundary violations that occur naturally as part of an adjustment process, and violations that occur because the other person doesn’t respect your boundaries. When someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, they’ll bring the subject up again and again, questioning and arguing about your needs. On the other hand, when someone simply slips up, they’ll tend to react more apologetically, recognizing their own mistake.) Shortform note: It’s especially common to experience boundary issues with your loved ones after getting married. Parents often struggle with feeling relatively uninvolved in their children’s lives, as those children try to juggle the demands of both sets of in-laws. If you’re recently married and struggling to set boundaries with your parents, remember that they’re likely feeling insecure, and do your best to remind your parents that they’re important to you as you set your boundaries. And, if you’re the parent of a newly married person, remember that your child now has more responsibilities to balance than ever before, and do your best to give them the space they need to adjust.) Communicate in Advance Another thing that I see a lot of is, and sometimes we don't think about this as a boundary issue, but not asking for help. Trying to do everything on their own. I talked to a few people who have of varying ages, maybe tried to do something in their house, like, stand on a ladder and do this thing, broke their ankle.From the #1 New York Times bestselling author of It Starts with Us and It Ends with Us, a novel about risking everything for love—and finding your heart somewhere between the truth and lies. Tawwab recommends that you take time to rest and let difficult emotions settle after communicating boundaries. It’s important to give yourself a break after setting boundaries because communicating boundaries can be difficult and uncomfortable, especially if you’re new to it. Taking time to eat a comforting meal, read a book, or chat with a friend are all things that can help you decompress after setting boundaries. Drama to me is high-intensity arguments, long-term silent treatments, lots of conflict, often, frequent chaos in the relationships, gossiping, just all of these things that might appear on, like, a nineties TV talk show, right? Like, “…and this person did this.” Like, that's what I think of as drama. And I think when you have drama in families, it's not handled in a caring and loving way when there's conflict. It’s handled in a poorly executed way. It's handled in a high-intensity sort of way. So, just pulling people away from, you know, some of the things that we normally do, because sometimes we think that drama is normal. We think chaos is comfort, and it's like there is another way to communicate this to people. Porous boundaries are weak or poorly expressed and are unintentionally harmful. They lead to feeling depleted, overextending yourself, depression, anxiety, and unhealthy relationship dynamics. Kim from the opening story is an example of how porous boundaries can manifest and damage well-being.